Silent Screams
by Just Ducky 722
Summary: Sequel to: A Thin Red Line. Ashley learns cutting is not as easy to stop as it was to start. COMPLETED! FINALLY!
1. Author's Note

This is the sequel to A Thin Red Line. It is completely necessary for you to read that story before beginning this, so I'm not even going to bother to explain the first part. This story will make complete sense if you've read the previous one.   
  
As always, I own nothing. I am a humble fan fiction writer, and if I did own the show, this story would appear there, not on this website. This disclaimer goes for all following parts, because it seems silly to keep writing it.  
  
A Warning: This story contains possible triggering moments for cutters. If you're recovering from cutting, it might be wise to choose another story, depending on your personality. You have been warned. 


	2. Self Torment

Ashley felt horrible. Her mom's reaction had been…and Jeff…and Toby. What had she done to them? Toby had cried in front of her; he never cried. To say nothing for how her mother reacted. Even Jeff cried. She had hurt them so badly; she just wanted to die.   
  
But that wasn't possible now; she was locked in the psych ward on severe suicide watch. Nurses kept checking on her, and there was nothing in the room, except a bed. She didn't even get a blanket; they were afraid she'd try to hang herself. It was so sterile.   
  
She knew she should try to sleep; it was the middle of the night. But she couldn't; she just kept replaying the horrible scene in her living room.  
  
Marco telling her mom…her mom crying…Jeff and Toby coming in, wanting to see who was over…her uncovering her scars…and then watching Toby cry. Even though he was a little dork, Ash really loved him. She hadn't wanted to hurt anyone but herself, and now look at the mess she had created. Her mom, Jeff, Toby, Ellie, Marco. She had hurt all of them. And now they wanted her to sleep?   
  
And what would happen tomorrow? Nobody had told her anything. She had said goodbye to her family, and Ellie and Marco, but now what? When would she see them again? What would happen in the morning?  
  
She drifted off into a fitful sleep. 


	3. Nurse Molly

The next morning Ashley awoke, completely exhausted. Not only had she not gotten much sleep, but she also had nightmares that woke her up constantly.   
  
A nurse came in a few minutes later.   
  
"Rise and…" she trailed off. Partly because Ashley was already awake, but mostly because one look at this child told the nurse that it would be awhile before she would shine again.   
  
"Yeah," Ashley said, acknowledging the nurse's greeting.  
  
The nurse was startled. Usually the people looked, well, depressed, but this girl looked like the world had just squashed her flat. She had an expression of complete sorrow in her eyes, her face looked miserable, her eyes had dark circles under them, the makeup she had been wearing streaked down her face from crying, and her body was hunched over itself. It looked like the girl had passed through the seven layers of hell to get here.  
  
"Um, well," the nurse hesitated a bit. She had a memorized speech to give, but her motherly instincts took hold. She sat down on the bed where the girl was and hugged her. Ashley started crying almost immediately. "This is what I needed all night," Ashley thought, "Someone to hug me." The nurse broke the embrace.  
  
"I'm Nurse Molly. They didn't tell me your name though."  
  
"Ashley," she said.   
  
"Well, I'm going to lead you down to Doctor Steve's office in a minute. He works with adolescents, and is really nice. I think you'll like it better there than here. He'll assess you, and decide your placement," she said, and stood up. "Come one dear."   
  
Ashley stood up, and slowly followed Nurse Molly. She was quite sure she wouldn't like anyone. All she wanted right now was to curl up in a corner and die, with no one to notice.  
  
"Here you go," Nurse Molly said, stopping at a big wooden door. He's right in there. When you're finished, I'll be back to take you to your room.  
  
Ashley knew she should thank her, but she couldn't bring herself to do much of anything. She glanced at the Nurse and attempted a smile, which probably came out looking more like a grimace. Turning the doorknob, she pushed open the door and headed in. 


	4. Doctor Steve

She walked in a big man with a huge beard and mustache sat at a desk. Right away, he jumped up from his seat and greeted Ashley.  
  
"So you're Ashley. I'm Doctor Steve." His voice boomed, and it sounded cheerful. But Ashley didn't plan to like anyone here, even if they were friendly.  
  
"Yeah," Ashley acknowledged.  
  
"So, why don't you have a seat?"  
  
Ashley decided he hadn't told her where to sit, so she took the squishy chair that she figured he was supposed to sit in. There was no way she was getting on that stupid couch. This didn't faze him at all; he just grabbed a wooden chair in the corner and sat on it.   
  
"So, what are you here for?" he asked.  
  
"Don't you know?" Ashley asked, realizing she was being a brat. At this point, however, she didn't really care how she came across to people.  
  
"Well, I know why you're parents say you should be here. I know why you're friends thought they should talk to your parents. I know why you had a visit to the ER late last night, and I have opinions on why you were on suicide watch last night. But I have no idea why you think you should be here."  
  
"Well," Ashley thought to herself, "At least he's asking me for my opinion."  
  
"I'm here because I was cutting myself," she said shortly.   
  
"Really?" he said.  
  
"No, actually I was lying to you. Yes, really," she said, sarcasm dripping from her words.   
  
He laughed. "Well, at least you have a sense of humor, however sarcastic it might be."  
  
"Yeah," she said.  
  
"So, you're here because you hurt yourself."  
  
That didn't sound right to Ashley. It sounded a lot worse to say she hurted herself, than just saying she cut herself.   
  
"No, I'm here because I cut myself."  
  
"Ah, you make a distinction between hurting yourself and cutting. What's the difference, to you?"  
  
"I sound sick when you say I'm hurting myself. Besides, it didn't hurt when I was cutting myself; it felt good."  
  
"It felt good?" he asked.  
  
"Well, yeah. My problems kind of…I guess…I don't know how to explain it."  
  
"Was it a release for you?"  
  
"I guess. But I wasn't hurting myself."  
  
"Ashley, that's exactly what you were doing. You were hurting yourself. You ignored your mental pain by causing physical pain. Just because one hurt less than the other doesn't mean you didn't hurt yourself. When you're with me, I don't want you to talk about cutting yourself. I want you to talk about hurting yourself."  
  
"But that sounds…it sounds horrible."  
  
"It is horrible. It's a horrible thing to do to yourself. I just want you to stop downplaying it. What you did wasn't 'sick' in the way you think about it. It was a release for emotional pain you didn't know how to deal with, but it wasn't an okay way to deal."  
  
"I guess. But…"  
  
"Don't worry about that now. Why don't you tell me why you're on suicide watch?"  
  
"I want to die," she said simply.  
  
"But why?"  
  
"Because of all the pain I've caused people. You didn't see the look on my friend's faces, on my family's faces when they saw…" she trailed off.  
  
"When they saw where you had hurt yourself?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"If seeing that hurt them so badly, don't you think seeing you dead, at your funeral, would hurt them even more? Seeing you alive, even like that, was a thousand times better for them than seeing you dead."  
  
"Maybe, but it hurts so bad."  
  
"That's because you're finally dealing with some emotional pain. You don't want to, I'm sure, but because we took away all your methods for cutting yourself, you can't."  
  
"What's your point?"  
  
"My point is I want to know if you're safe."  
  
"Safe from what?"  
  
"From yourself. If I think you're a danger to yourself, you stay in the suicide watch room. If I think you aren't, then I put you in a normal room."  
  
"What do you mean, a danger to myself?"  
  
"Technically, hurting yourself at all. But in this case, I really want to make sure you won't kill yourself."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"So, what do you think?"  
  
"Well, um…" she hesitated, knowing the answer she was thinking was not the 'right' one. "I guess I probably wouldn't kill myself. But, um, I'd…I'd cut myself given the chance."  
  
"No."  
  
"But I would. It's the truth."  
  
"No, I meant you wouldn't cut yourself; you'd hurt yourself."  
  
"Oh, sorry."  
  
"Don't be. That was kind of the answer I was expecting. So here's the deal. I take you out of the suicide watch room. That's not the kind of environment I think you need right now. I'll put you in a regular room, but I'll have a nurse check up on you at random times. Does that sound fair?"  
  
"What if I cut, er, I mean hurt myself?" Ashley asked, the words sounding horrible.  
  
"Ashley," he started.  
  
"Call me Ash," she told him.  
  
"Ok. Ash, I can't stop you from hurting yourself. Well, technically, I could. I could lock you in a room with nothing in it and have you constantly supervised. But this isn't going to help you a whole lot. Not hurting yourself has to be a decision you make. I'm just here to help."  
  
"What if I do cut, er, hurt myself? I mean, what happens then?"  
  
"We'll clean you up, take away whatever you found to hurt yourself with, and send you on your way."  
  
"That's it?"  
  
"That's it. Unless of course, I think you tried to kill yourself. Then you go in the suicide room."  
  
"Ok."  
  
"Well, time's up right now. I'm seeing someone else in a few minutes. But Nurse Molly'll take you to your new room. Maybe you can meet your roommate."  
  
"Ok," Ashley said, leaving. Nurse Molly was right outside the door. Doctor Steve handed her a slip of paper.  
  
"So, you get a real room, huh? Alright, come on," Nurse Molly instructed, and the headed down the hall. 


	5. Lori

Nurse Molly took her up to her room.  
  
"Your roommate's in Group now, which you'll probably start attending soon. Lunch is at noon, dinners at 6, and lights out is at 10:30. If you need anything, you can go to the nurse's station down the hall," Nurse Molly told her in a flat voice. Ashley was a little hurt by this. She thought Nurse Molly might have cared about her, but she was obviously wrong.   
  
There was absolutely nothing to do. Ashley decided she could use a nap, since she hadn't gotten much sleep the night before. So she laid on her bed and drifted off. This proved to be a mistake. Her sleep was riddled with nightmares.   
  
"Oh my God, Ashley. What did you do to yourself?" … "Why Ash, why did you do it?" … "I have to tell your parents" … the look on her parents face… the look on Toby's face… saying goodbye to Ellie and Marco…her parents crying…  
  
Ashley woke up to a tall, super-thin stranger shaking her.   
  
"Hey, hey, wake up. You're having a nightmare. You were crying in your sleep. What's wrong?" the stranger asked her.  
  
"Nothing, just a nightmare, like you said. Who are you?"  
  
"I'm guessing I'm your roommate, since you were sleeping here. My name is Lori. Who're you?"  
  
"I'm Ashley."  
  
"Are you sure you're okay? It looks like you haven't slept in days."  
  
"I haven't slept for a while, but I'm okay. Just a stupid nightmare."   
  
"Yeah, I understand," Lori said sympathetically. "I used to have those all the time. Mine were about being force-fed. In my nightmares, I was so fat, it was horrible. Everyone gets those nightmares. They'll go away, eventually."  
  
"You're nightmares were about being fat? What's so terrible about that?"  
  
"You've led a sheltered life, haven't you hon? I'm anorexic. My worst nightmare is getting fat. With every bite of food, I have myself convinced that I'll gain weight. And in my world, fat people aren't loved, they have no friends, and they waste oxygen."  
  
"But that's not true!" Ashley said, thinking of Terri. Even though Terri had hurt her, Ashley still cared about her.  
  
"Of course its not. I have plenty of friends who are overweight. I even know that most of my fears are unfounded. But I can't seem to convince myself that putting food in my mouth won't wreck my life."  
  
"That's terrible!"  
  
"Hey, I don't need your sympathy," Lori said angrily.  
  
"S-sorry," Ashley said. She hadn't even realized she had said something wrong.  
  
"Its okay," Lori said, chuckling. "I get a little defensive sometimes. Severe mood swings. Whatever."  
  
"Ok, okay. Umm…" Ashley said, looking around the room.  
  
"So, what are you here for?" Lori asked.  
  
"I, um, I…"Ashley trailed off. She was still really ashamed of herself.  
  
"Its okay if you don't want to tell me."  
  
"No, it's just… I don't know. Its hard."  
  
"Of course it is. If your problem was easy to talk about, you wouldn't be here."  
  
"But you don't have a hard time talking about it."  
  
"That's true. But I've also been here for two months."  
  
"Two months!" Ashley exclaimed in disbelief. "But you're still so skinny! And two months is forever!"  
  
"Nah, its not that long. You get used to being in here after a while. And yes, I'm still skinny. I just can't bring myself to eat like I should without being forced to."  
  
"I'll just fake being better, and then I'll get out of here," Ashley said confidently.  
  
"No you won't. Doctor Steve knows. I tried to fake having regular eating habits, but he knew. So I gave up faking, and went back to not eating. But he'll know if you're faking."  
  
"No he won't. My problem isn't like yours. I can fake it. Besides, I don't even really have that much of a problem," Ashley told her, knowing it wasn't true. "I shouldn't even be here at all."  
  
"Yeah? Well, what is it that isn't a problem?"  
  
"I…I…I…" Ashley stuttered. "I cut myself." She said softly.  
  
"Hon, that's a problem. Slicing up your skin is a problem. And it's a creepy problem."  
  
"It is not creepy! What a horrible thing to say! It's totally normal. Its how I cope with stuff."  
  
"Yeah, whatever. You hungry? Its lunch time, and I don't have anything better to do than go to the lunch room and stare at food I won't eat."  
  
"Sure," Ashley said, letting Lori lead her to the lunchroom. 


	6. Lunch

Ashley got in the lunchroom, and right away people she assumed were Lori's friends swarmed her and Lori.  
  
"Hey Lori! Who's the new girl?"  
  
"Lori, you going to eat today? And who's this girl you're with?"  
  
And on and on. They all wanted to know who she was.  
  
"This is Ashley, guys. She's new here, and she's my roommate. Ashley, this is Marie, Brad, and June."  
  
"Hi," she said softly. She could've could kick herself; she sounded like a stupid shy first grader.   
  
"So, what's your problem? Anorexic? Bulimic? Suicidal? Druggie? Just insane?" Brad asked.  
  
"Yeah, what are you in for?" June asked.  
  
"Hey guys, lay off. We'll find out during group tomorrow. And she probably doesn't really want to talk about it," Lori said, coming to her rescue. Ashley gave her what she hoped was a grateful look.  
  
"Yeah, I guess," Marie agreed. They all headed over to the lunch line. Ashley was really uncomfortable around them. They were experts on this place, and Ashley was the stupid new girl. So she hung back a little. Lori noticed right away.  
  
"Come on Ashley. I know how you feel, but it'll get better. Besides, you have to eat, or the nurses'll be after you." So she followed her to the line. They grabbed our trays and headed over to an empty table. Ashley started eating right away as did Brad and Marie. June and Lori however, were a little slower.   
  
Lori started cutting up all her food into tiny pieces. June just moved it around the plate a lot. In the twenty minutes it took Ashley to eat, they each probably had three or four bites each. Marie finished soon after Ashley. They talked about nothing for another twenty minutes, while Lori and June 'ate'. Not much of the food actually got eaten. However, at almost the same time, Lori and June set their forks down and decided they were full.   
  
Brad and Marie didn't argue with them, and they all took their trays up.   
  
"We're heading into the game room, if you want to come. Not much else to do here, really. We can get to know each other," Brad said, clearly making an effort to make her feel welcome.   
  
"Um, if you don't mind, I'm just gonna head to my room. I…I just wanna be alone for a while."  
  
"That's cool. If you change your mind, we'll be there for a while. Its Sunday, so none of us have a whole lot to do," Brad told her.  
  
"Ok, thanks," she said, heading to her room. 


	7. Blood

I got to my room, and sat on the bed. I didn't want to be there. I wanted nothing to do with this place. I wanted nothing more than to be at home.   
  
"Nothing will make me feel better," I thought. "I'm a big stupid failure."  
  
I laid there for a while, until I realized there was one thing that would make me feel better. I wanted to cut. I had to cut. But with what?   
  
It only took me a little while to find something sharp enough to do the job. The clip on the clipboard of a medical chart in the room would do fine. I grabbed the chart, and easily broke the clip off. Knowing I might not have a lot of time until a nurse came in, I got right to it. Slice, slice, slice, all down my arms. Unlike with a razor, it took a little more effort to get blood, but it was worth it.   
  
The blood trickled down my arms, and I started cutting my legs too. I spelled 'alone' on my right thigh. Its how I felt. I was so alone, and I couldn't stand it. My body might as well reflect my feelings.   
  
The blood was all over the floor, and all over my bed's sheets. Don't get me wrong; it wasn't a huge lake or anything, but I did make a pretty good mess. Those sheets would never be the same.   
  
I was lost in my own little world, watching the blood, until…  
  
"Oh my God! Ashley, what the hell are you doing?!" Lori screamed at me, half hysterical. I guess I could understand why, I was bleeding a lot.   
  
"Calm down," I told her. "I'm just fine." I stood up, and was going to go over to her to prove I was fine, but I fell backwards. My head was spinning. No, the room was spinning.   
  
"Ashley? What's wrong?" Brad asked. He had followed Lori into the room.  
  
"Nothing," I said, trying to make the room stop spinning.  
  
"I'm calling the nurses," Lori said, pressing the call button at the side of my bed. A few minutes later, Nurse Molly headed in.  
  
"Its so busy at the nurses' station. This had better be good, girls. I don't…" she trailed off, her face palling. "My God Ashley! What did you do?"  
  
"Nothing, I'm fine." But Nurse Molly ran out of the room, and was back in with two doctors in under a minute. They introduced themselves, but the room was spinning so fast, and their words got softer and softer. The room was getting darker too.   
  
"It would be good to sleep," I thought to myself before drifting off. 


	8. Bandages

When I woke up, the first thing I thought of was that the nap I took didn't do me any good. I was more drained of energy that I was before I took a nap.   
  
Then it hit me. I remembered why I was napping. And I remembered what I had done to myself…  
  
I looked down at my arms; they were covered in bandages. Down at my wrist an IV was hooked up, dripping in some clear fluids. My legs had bandages on them as well. I was about to take them off, to see what my scars looked like, but I was interrupted.  
  
"So, you're finally awake, huh? You know, you have to leave those bandages on, or your cuts will get infected," some nurse told me. It wasn't Nurse Molly, and to tell you the truth, I didn't really care who she was.   
  
"What happened?" I asked. After 'napping' (which I suppose was me fainting) I couldn't remember what had happened to me.  
  
"You passed out when you lost too much blood. We gave you a transfusion. The doctor says you can get out of this hospital room and go back to the psych ward as soon as some guy named Doctor Steve checks you out. Don't ask me what he needs to check on. Since you're awake, I'm gonna page him to your room. The sooner I can get you out of here, the better. I've had to check on you almost every hour." With that, the nurse headed out of my room.  
  
"Good riddance," I thought to myself. "Heartless bitch. I bet she gets along well with all of the patients." I toyed with the idea of removing my bandages again; I knew I could get an infection, but I'd put them back on right away. I just wanted to see the cuts. After arguing with myself in my head for a while, I decided I would remove the bandages, but only for a minute.   
  
I peeled back the gauze on my arms and legs, and stared. They were scabbing over, and they looked really gross. Unlike the cuts I made at home with a knife, these took more strokes to make, and were a lot messier. I ran my fingers over the word 'alone' that I had carved in my thigh earlier.   
  
Doctor Steve interrupted my thoughts. "Pretty nasty looking cuts, aren't they?" he asked me. I nodded.   
  
"My other cuts didn't look this bad," I responded.   
  
"That's because you made the other cuts with a sharper object. You just gouged lines in yourself this time with that clip. It was pretty ingenious of you, breaking that off. I thought we had removed most of the sharper objects from your room, but I missed that one. Of course, I knew I ran a huge risk with you. It was almost a guarantee you would try to hurt yourself again," he told me.   
  
"Oh yeah? So I'm that predictable, huh? Well, so what? My parents put me here so I couldn't hurt myself anymore, and it didn't work. I'm not safe anywhere."  
  
"You're right, you really aren't safe anywhere. If you really want to hurt yourself, I know you can find a way," he told me. "They only way you'll ever be safe is if you want to stop hurting yourself. And you don't, so there isn't a room I could put you in where you'd be completely safe. You could cause bruises in a completely empty room. I know you aren't safe. I explained that to your parents as well. What they really want me to do is to make you stop hurting yourself. They want me to convince you that hurting yourself isn't a good idea. And since I obviously can't do that here, I'm taking you back to the psych ward and putting you back in your room."  
  
"Yeah, and what if I hurt myself again?" I challenged him.   
  
"Then I'll keep putting you back in there. In all likelihood, you won't ever leave the psych ward until you stop hurting yourself. Of course, don't get any ideas about just stopping. I'm not stupid, and I can see though any attempts at faking. If you keep hurting yourself, like you're threatening to do, you could remain here indefinitely. I don't have a problem with you staying here; I get to go home every day. You, on the other hand, might get sick of this place, so I suggest you try to fix this problem."  
  
"You make it sound like I'm a leaky faucet. I'm not a problem that that be fixed with a wrench. I don't even know what my problem is. I can't just fix it."  
  
"Of course not. I'm going to try to help you, if you'd just give me a chance."  
  
"Whatever. Can I go back to my room now?"  
  
"Sure, I'll call a Nurse Molly and have her bring her down a wheelchair to take down there. I'll see you in my office in an hour. We'll have a talk then."  
  
"Whatever," I responded, trying my best to sound totally disinterested. However, I was really really curious to see exactly how he planned to 'fix' me. Fifteen minutes later, Nurse Molly was in my room with a wheelchair, and she took me back down to psych. 


	9. But Why?

On the way back down to the psych ward, I could tell Nurse Molly was fighting with herself whether or not to ask me something.   
  
"Spit it out," I told her, sick of waiting.  
  
"What do you mean?" she asked, poorly faking innocence.  
  
"I can tell you want to ask me something. So just do it and get it over with."  
  
"Well, yeah. I wanted to know…I was going to ask…Why do you do this to yourself?" she finally blurt out. "I can't understand why you would hurt yourself."  
  
"It feels good. Maybe you make yourself feel better by crying, or eating a gallon of chocolate ice cream. I make myself feel better by cutting myself."  
  
"But it's not the same. Ice cream and blood are two distinct things."  
  
"Not in my mind they aren't. They both feel good. But for me, cutting feels much better."  
  
"Hmmm," Nurse Molly said. I didn't say anything. I knew she wouldn't, couldn't get it right away. Even I didn't completely understand why I did what I did. I figured I'd give her some time to think about it. Moments later, we arrived in my room.  
  
"In a half hour, you need to head down to Doctor Steve's office. Don't think you can get out of seeing him, because if you don't show up, I'll just come and get you. And don't think I'm just going to forget what you told me. I'll figure you out if it's the last thing I do," Nurse Molly told me quickly. And with that, she left the room.  
  
"Maybe she isn't all bad," I thought to myself. "I could have met a worse nurse." Thinking back to my previous room, I realized I did. Nurse Cold-Heartless-Bitch. Nurse Molly was much better than she was.   
  
I considered this for a while, and the half hour passed much too quickly. I hauled myself up from my bed, and headed down the hall. For a brief moment, I wondered why Lori wasn't in the room, but I forgot all about that when I walked into Doctor Steve's office. 


	10. Ice Cream and Blood

This time, Doctor Steve was sitting on the couch. It looked like he was taking a nap.  
  
"Ummm, excuse me?" I said, a little peeved. He was sleeping, and he was supposed to be working!  
  
"Oh, sorry Ashley. Things have been busy around here, what with you having an emergency and all. I did some overtime so I could stick around you, and I'm sorta tired."  
  
"And what, I'm supposed to feel sorry for you? You can go home right now, for all I'll care," I told him. "At least you can go home," I muttered under my breath.  
  
"No, you're not supposed to feel sorry for me. And anyways, it's not my fault you can't go home. I didn't hurt you, you hurt you."  
  
"Go to hell. You don't understand at all."  
  
"Then explain it to me. Tell me why a girl whose family and friends told me she seemed happy would hurt herself. Tell me why someone hurts them self."  
  
"Only if you tell me how you became so annoying."  
  
"Ok, we'll trade stories. I'll start," he responded, completely serious. I was a little surprised; I hadn't expected him to agree, but I kept the surprise out of my face as he started talking. "I'm annoying because we're trained in college of how to get some people to talk to us. However, in your case, the whole 'being an annoying jerk' routine doesn't work. It only makes you clam up. Now, I'm hoping that if I'm honest with you, you'll be honest with me. But the annoying part of my personality is really just taught to us in school. I'm honestly not this annoying outside of work. My wife even likes me," he joked. I relaxed a little.  
  
"Well, you're right about one thing, I won't talk to you if you annoy the hell out of me."  
  
"Glad I know that. But anyways, now its your turn."  
  
"Ah, that's right, you want to know why I'm hurting myself. Well, tell me something, why aren't you hurting yourself?"  
  
"Answering a question with a question. A classic shrink technique. I'm impressed Ash. Lets see, I suppose I don't hurt myself because the idea never occurred to me as a way to solve problems," he told me seriously.   
  
"How do you solve your problems then?"  
  
"Hey, I'm supposed to be asking the question," he joked. "I suppose I solve my problems by talking them out to my wife. Yeah, I do a lot of talking to solve problems. I also have a journal, which helps when I don't want to talk. If they problem's really huge, like death, I'd cry, and that'd make me feel better."  
  
"Well, I have no one to talk to. I'd never keep a journal where anyone could find it and read it. And I don't cry, ever. For lack of a better solution, I hurt myself. It makes me feel better, like talking makes you feel better. And how you can tell me that one is better than the other is beyond me."  
  
"I can tell you one is better than the other because one caused you to almost die a few hours ago. To be honest, if Lori and Brad hadn't found you, you'd probably be dead. This of course, may not faze you, but it fazed Brad and Lori. They're both upset over what you did. But I'm off topic. You don't have a better solution for your problems than cutting?"  
  
"Nope. I honestly don't know of a better solution."  
  
"Well, that answered my question. And now, our time is up. Actually, we weren't supposed to have any time, but I stayed a little longer to talk. Tomorrow, we talk for much longer. I'm sure you can't wait."  
  
"My cup runneth over," I responded, my voice dripping with sarcasm.   
  
"Well, in that case. Be in my office right after lunch at 1 o'clock. At 4 o'clock, you'll attend your first Group meeting. Its okay if you don't talk a lot then; just try to get used to everyone. You'll see Lori there, and Brad. After dinner, at 8 o'clock, I'm going to want to talk to you again. So, you can plan that for tomorrow. And for many tomorrows to come. Sound good?"  
  
"No, being at home sitting on my couch eating a bowl of ice cream sounds good. What you just said sounds tolerable."  
  
"I can live with tolerable. See you tomorrow," he said as I headed out of the room.  
  
It was nearly 10:30 so I headed to bed. I changed into my PJ's and was going to say goodnight to Lori, but she was already sleeping. Actually, she was pretending to sleep, and I knew it, but if she didn't want to talk to me, that was fine. Doctor Steve had said she was upset. Maybe she just wasn't in the mood for talking.  
  
I climbed into bed, switched off the light, and for the first time in what seemed like ages, I feel asleep quickly. 


	11. Alone Again

At nine o'clock, Lori woke me up.   
  
"Hey, Ashley! Wake up. It's time for breakfast."  
  
"Ok, ok," I grumbled, slowly waking up. I am not a morning person. "Hey, where were you last night?"  
  
"Oh, you know. Around, doing some thinking. Hey, you know. Umm, about yesterday," Lori began, uncomfortably.  
  
"What about it?"  
  
"Why'd you do it?"  
  
"Not that question again. I did it because it felt good, alright?"  
  
"No, not alright. I had to find you, bleeding to death. It wasn't fun, let me tell you," Lori said to me.  
  
"Well, I didn't do it for your amusement!" I yelled back at her. "I don't want to do it, okay? I don't like being the weird kid in the psycho ward. You know, to you guys, anorexia and bulimia and all that is normal, but what I do is weird. I can see it whenever I told anyone why I was here. It's not cool; I don't do it to fit in with the rest of you. I do it 'cause I'm addicted. Besides, I obviously don't fit in with the rest of you. And I don't care. I was the weird kid at school, why not be the weird kid in the psych ward?"   
  
With that last statement I headed out of the room. I was on the verge or tears, and I did not want to cry in front of Lori. So what if I had to eat breakfast alone? What did I care?  
  
"Ashley," Lori called down the hallway to me. "Wait up! Please?"  
  
I slowed down a little. But only a little. I didn't really want her to catch up with me.  
  
"Ashley, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you. I'm not any good at this friendship stuff. I get a little wrapped up in myself sometimes. It's just that here, for so long, I've been the center of attention. I've been the sickest. And now you come along, and you're sick in a way we haven't seen before. Everyone wants to know about you, everyone wants to talk about you. And now I'm not as important. So I'm sorry. I was just being a selfish bitch, and I know it," Lori said.  
  
"I don't want to be the sickest. I don't want to be the center of attention. I just want to go home. So leave me alone, ok?" I took off down the hallway, faster than before.   
  
I ate breakfast quickly, and escaped back to my room. I had nothing to do until lunch, and I wanted to avoid Lori, so I headed into the bathrooms. I walked into a stall, sat on the toilet, and locked myself in. I was determined not to leave until lunch. 


	12. Replay

I sat there, for a while, not really thinking about anything. But pretty soon my thoughts wandered over to the fight I had caused today. My chances of making friends with Lori were slim to none now, and it was all my fault.   
  
One of my worst habits is going over the stupid things I've said or did in my head countless times. In this case, the fight with Lori was stuck on instant replay. She had offered me an apology, and I had shot her down. I was a jerk. A complete jerk.   
  
I had tortured myself for so long, that it was nearly 12:40. Lunch would be over soon, so I hurried down to the lunchroom. I got in line, took some food, and sat alone. I tried to eat pretty quickly, but all of my food tasted like cardboard. I forced down about a third of my lunch, until I just couldn't eat anymore. I took my tray up, and the cafeteria aid gave me a funny look.   
  
She asked for my name, and I told her. She looked it up in this stupid list she had and muttered to herself. "Hmmm, Ashley…Lets see…You're here for self-injury. Well, as long as you aren't anorexic or bulimic, I'll let this lack of eating go for the time being. But you have to eat at all meals, okay?"  
  
"Whatever," I muttered, and headed over to Doctor Steve's office, as slowly as I could manage to walk. I was not looking forward to seeing him again. 


	13. Friends

I headed down the hallway to Doctor Steve's office. I was there a few minutes early (probably because I didn't eat much lunch) so I grabbed a seat near the door. I was sort of hoping (ok, so it was really wrong of me) that I could hear some of the conversation that was going on with someone else in his office. It wasn't that I wanted to spy on that person or anything, I just wanted to know what he talked about with other people. Maybe it would warn me, so I could plan out what to say when those questions came up.  
  
Unfortunately, the door must have been really thick or something, because I couldn't hear a word of the conversation. A few minutes later, Lori walked out. I was a little surprised, because I didn't know she would see him during lunch. I figured maybe she had to eat with him or something.  
  
I was still sort of mad at her, so I wasn't going to talk to her. However, that turned out to not be much of a problem. The moment she saw me, she ducked her head, and turned away from me to hide her face. But I saw what she didn't want me to see; she had been crying.   
  
That sort of threw me; Lori seemed so hard that I couldn't imagine her wanting to cry about anything. But I didn't have much time to think about that, because Doctor Steve opened the door, and told me to come in.  
  
"So, what's new Ash?" he asked me, as he closed the door.  
  
"I had a fight with Lori. It was mostly my fault though. She was just trying to be nice, and I yelled at her anyways. I don't know."  
  
"Why did you yell at her?"  
  
"I guess I don't really have a reason. I mostly just wanted to be left alone. I didn't really want to talk to her."  
  
"And so you yelled at her?"  
  
"Well, maybe it was more than that, I don't know."   
  
"What do you mean, more?" Doctor Steve asked me, curious.  
  
"I don't know! Maybe, I yelled at her for a different reason than just because I wanted to be left alone. Maybe I don't want to make any friends here, okay? Maybe my friends back at home are perfectly good. Just because they haven't come to see me even once doesn't mean we aren't friends anymore. Maybe I don't need any more friends to desert me. Or maybe, making friends here just means I have to stay a long time. People only need friends in places if they're planning on staying for a while. Maybe that's what I meant by more, huh?" I was yelling at him by that time. I didn't know why I was so angry.  
  
"Ash, why don't you sit down for a minute," Doctor Steve suggested to me, pointing at the chair. At least the man had finally gotten the hint that I was not going to lay on his stupid couch. So I sat. He pulled his rolling office chair from behind his desk, and rolled it over to where I was. "Ash, first things first. Your friends want to visit you, I promise. I keep getting angry phone calls from a girl named Ellie and a boy named Marco, who wants to see you. And that's to say nothing about the demands I'm receiving from your family to let them see you."  
  
"Well, if they want to see me, then why don't they just come see me?" I asked, my voice hard.   
  
"Because I won't let them," he answered simply.   
  
"What do you mean, you won't let them?"  
  
"As your doctor, it's my job to decide whether or not you should receive certain privileges. Visitors fall under the category of privileges, and I don't think you're ready to see anyone just yet."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"For the second reason you said you snapped at Lori. You keep believing that you'll be out of here in a few days. You're treating this like a stay in a hotel, rather than being in the hospital. I'm worried that seeing your friends is only going to increase how much you want to go home, and that you'll never get any help here."  
  
"But…but…I don't want to be here for long! I want to go home. I miss my family, and I really miss my friends! You don't understand. In one night, I was taken away from everything and everyone I know, and put…put here! Where no one cares! Everyone here is just existing. I want to go back home where people cared, and they weren't 'all for one'. My friends cared about me. Even if…even if they did…" I trailed off. That thought still hurt.  
  
"Even if what?"  
  
"Nothing, never mind."  
  
"Come on Ash, tell me," Doctor Steve demanded.  
  
"Even if they wanted to get rid of me!" I yelled. "Are you happy now? I said it! They didn't love me enough to keep me around. At the first chance they got, they told my parents and stuck me here."  
  
"Ash, you have it backwards. They loved you enough to get you help. I talked to them; it was so incredibly difficult for them to know that what they said would take you away from them. But they knew they couldn't make you better, and they knew that being here could, so they told your parents, and talked to me."  
  
"They…they talked to you?" I asked, and he nodded. "Well…ummm, what did they say?"  
  
"They were crying, Ash. They felt like they had betrayed you. Marco didn't feel quite as bad as Ellie did. Marco knew that you needed help. His brother used to be a cutter. But he was so concerned for you life. And Ellie was a mess. Sobbing all over the place, saying she betrayed you. She felt worthless. But she told me that she knew she couldn't fix you; she couldn't make you 'all better'. Ellie told me that even if what she did ruined your friendship, she had to get you help. I talked to them for a few hours, they were that upset. I didn't want to send either of them home when they were so upset. And as soon as Ellie stopped crying, the first words out of her mouth were 'When can I see her?' They both really care a lot for you."  
  
"Well, then why won't you let me see them? I swear, I won't want to go home anymore."  
  
"Ash, I know you can't control wanting to go home. So I'm sorry, but I can't let your friends or family come to visit. That's just the way it is for the time being."  
  
"That's not fair!!" I screamed at him. "You don't even care about me. All you care about is your stupid paycheck! Go to hell!" I opened the door of his office, and ran out, slamming the door behind me. A few seconds later, I heard him calling to me to wait, but I kept running. I found a stairwell, and sat under it, crying. 


	14. The Stairwell

The stairwell was dark, and I sat in the shadows. It felt like the first time I had been alone in a long time. Everywhere else in this stupid hospital was infested with people. It wasn't that I minded people. But I wanted to see my friends! It wasn't fair, that this stupid doctor, who doesn't even really know me, gets to make all sorts of decisions. I wanted to see my friends, damn it!   
  
I could hear Doctor Steve calling down the hall for me. I'd never really had a full session with him. I guess I run out of his office an awful lot. But it serves him right for being stupid.   
  
"Ash, come out. We need to talk! Come on!" he called. I didn't move. The last thing I wanted was for him to find me. I liked it there, under the stairwell. But I've never been very lucky.  
  
"Here you are. Come on, we've got time left to talk."  
  
"That's all I am to you, an allotted amount of time. I'm not going anywhere," I told him.   
  
"You can't just stay here forever," he said, reasonably.  
  
"Watch me."  
  
"You'll get hungry eventually. You'll need to use the bathroom. And this won't be a comfortable place to sleep."  
  
"At least I won't have to see you."  
  
"Fine!" he said, exasperated. "Stay here forever. I'll let the nurses know why you won't be in your room."  
  
I didn't respond, so he turned away and left.   
  
I don't know if he figured I'd get bored or what, but he was back in two hours to check up on me. He seemed surprised that I was still sitting there.  
  
"You know, Lori is getting lonely without you in the room. Its 10:15, and she wants to know if she's going to have to sleep alone."  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Uh-huh. I'm sure."  
  
He turned around and walked away. But not before he let me know that I could return to my room anytime I wanted. He was so stupid. Didn't he know that I would stay here forever, just so he wouldn't win?   
  
I spent the night down there, drifting in and out of sleep. Actually, I probably did better on the sleep front than I usually did. Since I got here, I hadn't really slept at all. But I must have gotten at least 5 hours of sleep under that stairwell.  
  
Just as I suspected, Doctor Steve was back to see me, first thing in the morning. 


	15. Victory

He looked a little shocked at first, but he recovered quickly. "So, you stayed here all night, huh?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Ok, you win Ash."  
  
"Does that mean I get to see my friends."  
  
"No."  
  
"Well, then I didn't really win, did I?"  
  
"You didn't have to talk to me anymore yesterday. That's a victory, isn't it?"  
  
"All I want is too see my friends."  
  
"Well you can't."  
  
"Fine. But don't expect me to be very forthcoming with you or anyone else. As far as I'm concerned, you can all just go to Hell." I got up, angrily, and walked slowly off to my room. If I stomped off, I figured I'd look childish.   
  
"You still have group today at 4 o'clock."  
  
"Go to Hell."  
  
"Does that mean you'll go?"  
  
"Sure. Fine. Whatever. At least it'll be something to do." 


	16. Ellie and Paige have words

Back at Degrassi, life was continuing on.   
  
"How do you think Ash's doing?" Ellie asked. "Why hasn't she called us?"  
  
"Doctor Steve said she wouldn't be able to have any outside contact for a while. But really Ellie, I couldn't tell you how she's doing. I have no idea what one does in a psych ward," Marco replied.  
  
"I know. I'll see you at lunch, ok?"  
  
"Yeah," Marco said, and they both got off the bus and headed to their lockers.  
  
  
  
Ellie headed over to her locker, and passed Paige on the way.   
  
"Poor Ellie. Her vampire friend's been sick, and so she's had no friends for the past few days. What's wrong with your friend Ellie, hasn't been getting enough blood to survive recently?"  
  
"Ignore it, ignore it," Ellie kept repeating to herself under her breath.  
  
"Come on, loser. Answer me!"  
  
"Ignore it, ignore it."  
  
"Fine. I wouldn't be surprised if you stopped showing up in a few days too. Ashley's probably in a nut house for cutting herself, just like I said she would. She's such a loser, that's just the kind of thing I'd think she'd do."  
  
"Ignore it, ignore it."  
  
"And I'm sure you'll follow her example shortly. It won't be long until we get rid of all the freaks at Degrassi."  
  
"Ignore it."  
  
"But I knew Ashley was a loser the moment she took drugs. She thought she was Miss Perfect, but we all got a good look at the real her. Just a big loser. And cutting is just the sort of thing she would do. She needs more attention, and so she cuts. The vampire's draining her own blood."  
  
"GOD PAIGE, WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP?" Ellie screamed, not able to take it anymore. "What if you're right? What if she is in a mental hospital? And what if she is cutting? AND WHAT IF IT'S ALL YOUR GODDAMNED FAULT?"  
  
"Ellie!" Ms Kwan said, shocked. "Come talk to me, now!"  
  
"Ellie…" Paige trailed off in a small voice.  
  
Completely ignoring Paige, Ellie turned and headed into Ms Kwan's room, waiting for a lecture.   
  
"Ellie, are you okay?" Ms Kwan asked.   
  
Ellie was a little thrown. This wasn't a lecture. "No. Ms Kwan, Paige won't lay off. She hassled Ash day in and day out, and now that she's gone, Paige has picked a new target. I wish for just one minute she'd lay off. And she just keeps shooting her mouth off. 'Ashley cuts' she says. Well, what if she's right? I wish she'd just think about what she says."  
  
"Ellie, I know where Ashley is, and why she's there. All her teachers know. And I agree, Paige should learn when to keep silent. And I sympathize with you, I really do. But you can't scream a swear through the hall, ok? Even I can't defend that."   
  
"Yeah, I know," Ellie said, sheepishly. "I'm sorry."  
  
"That's alright. You okay to go to class?"  
  
"Yeah, thanks."  
  
Ellie headed out the door, and ran smack into Paige.   
  
"Geeze Paige!" Ellie exclaimed, picking up all the books she dropped. "Don't stand in front of doorways, ok?"  
  
"Ellie?" Paige asked. "Is it…is it true? What I said, I mean. Has Ashley really been…cutting herself?" Just then, the bell rang signaling five minutes before class.  
  
"I can't talk about this now, alright? There's not enough time. Meet me after school, and we'll talk."  
  
Ellie turned around and headed to class. 


	17. Walk

Ellie wasn't sure what she had been thinking. Telling Paige she'd talk to her later had been a huge mistake. Sure, she'd like nothing more than to tell Paige where Ash was and that it was her fault she was there, but would Ash want her to do that? And could she trust Paige not to blab to the whole school the second she finished telling her?   
  
But Ellie knew she had to tell Paige. She couldn't handle these comments anymore. It was hard enough knowing where Ash was and that it was her fault she was there. If only she hadn't told! Paige didn't help matters either. It was so hard, not being able to talk to anyone but Marco. As if he didn't have his own problems.   
  
  
  
The day went by so slowly. But when the moment came when the final bell rang, and Ellie would have to go talk to Paige, she started wishing class had lasted just a little bit longer. She headed to the lobby of the school, and found Paige.  
  
To Ellie's surprise, Paige was there, looking really worried.   
  
"Come on Paige, let's go for a walk," Ellie said. Paige complied, walking alongside Ellie without a word of argument. 


	18. Guilt

"So," Paige said, not really knowing what to say. "Ashley's been out for a while now."  
  
"Yeah," Ellie replied quietly. She didn't really know how to say what she knew she had to say.  
  
"Any reason?"  
  
"She's, well, she's been…"  
  
"Oh, go on, spit it out!"  
  
"She's been cutting herself, okay you heartless bitch? Is that what you wanted to hear? I'm sure you'll be really happy now, with Ash gone. Damn it Paige, even if you don't care, I do. Why did you have to be so cruel to her? Why didn't you ever back off?"  
  
"You mean…" Paige trailed off.  
  
"She's in a mental hospital because she's been cutting herself. She couldn't take life anymore. I haven't seen her since the day she left. I can't even talk to her. And now, I've had to listen to you. Well, are you happy now?"  
  
"I…I…I never meant…"  
  
"Well, its true."  
  
"I…" Paige stammered. The look of pain on her face was horrible; this was the Paige Ash had been tortured by for so long. Ellie couldn't understand why Paige was taking this so hard. However, before Ellie could say anything, Paige ran off.   
  
"I…I can't believe it," Paige cried into her pillow. "I did that to Ash! How could I have been such a jerk? Ash never did anything horrible enough to deserve how I treated her. And look where she is now! Its all my fault!"   
  
All the awful things Paige had done to Ashley were now haunting her. Every cruel word, every nasty name, every dirty look. "I'm such a horrible person! How can I face anyone ever again?" 


	19. Eating

Ashley walked nervously into her hospital room. She was hoping to be alone, but Lori was in there, reading a book.   
  
"Hey," Lori said softly, putting down her book. "I'm sorry, okay? I really am."  
  
"Okay, its okay really. I mean, um, I guess, I'm really the one who should say I'm sorry. You didn't deserve to be treated like dirt. You were nice to me when I got here, and you introduced me to all your friends. I should have been grateful."  
  
"Nah. I treated you like a five year old when you got here, because I wanted to be the superior one. I wanted to be able to look down on you. But I can't. You're really something, you know that Ashley?"  
  
"Call me Ash. And what do you mean?"  
  
"You stayed down by that stairwell. You beat Doctor Steve. You fought against him, and you won."  
  
"I didn't win. I slept in a stairwell, and I still don't get to see my friends."  
  
"But he conceded to you. He let you win. Even if it was only for a second, the balance of power shifted from him to you. I waited up for you last night, figuring you couldn't beat him. I was wrong."  
  
"Well, I don't recommend sleeping in a stairwell. The bed's are warmer."  
  
"So, no friend visits yet?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"I don't get to see my friends either. I have to eat for that to happen."  
  
"Why can't you just eat?"  
  
"Why can't you just not cut?"  
  
"Why are you so stubborn?"  
  
"Why are you so persistent?"  
  
"What's Group anyways?" I asked her.  
  
"A group of people get together and talk about why we're so screwed up. Its usually just a contest to see whose life is the most messed up. I usually win, but I'm getting sick of it. I don't know how much longer I want to be the sickest."  
  
"You know, you could just try to eat. I saw you at lunch before. You don't try, do you?"  
  
"Of course not. What if I fail? Then I'll look stupid in front of everyone!"  
  
"Well, its lunchtime. So I guess we'll find out now."  
  
"No way, Ash. I'm not eating."  
  
"Then you'll stare at the food with me. But you're going to try. Even if it kills me."  
  
"It won't kill you. But what if I get fat?"  
  
"Come on Lori. How often do anorexics get fat anyways?"  
  
"Fine, you win. For now. I'll go to lunch with you."  
  
We headed down to lunch together, and got our trays. We sat down, and right away Lori started to pick at her food. Like it was alive or something, and she wanted to make sure it was really dead.   
  
"Knock it off. Either eat at it, or stare at it, but don't pick at it like you're afraid it'll move. It is dead, trust me."  
  
Lori laughed, but it was tense.   
  
"Relax Lori. Even if you don't eat today, at least you'll have really tried. Give the roll a try. Its not bad with a little butter on it."  
  
"Butter?" Lori spat out the word like it was a swear.   
  
"Yes Lori, butter. You know, a dairy product commonly put on food to give it flavor." It was getting hard for me to keep the sarcasm out of my voice.   
  
"Hey ya big jerk. I'm working on it okay."  
  
And she was. Lori was actually putting a little butter on the roll. I was impressed. But she was really terrified. She was sweating and she kept staring at the roll. I knew when to stop pushing her. Now would be a good time. I also knew I shouldn't stare at her, so I focused really intently on my food. The meatloaf was fascinating.   
  
"Why aren't you eating," Lori asked me a minute later. I looked up, and couldn't find the roll.   
  
"You ate it all!"  
  
"That's not a very good reason not to eat," she said, laughing.   
  
"Fine, fine. Talk about getting on someone's case," I replied.   
  
"So, what do you say we play a game?" Lori asked.  
  
"Game? Huh? Weren't we eating?"  
  
"Yes yes, it has to do with eating. Sort of. Want to play?"  
  
"This sounds awfully suspicious. But, um, okay. Sure."  
  
"I will eat my entire piece of chocolate cake if you don't cut for two days."  
  
"Two days? I don't know…"  
  
"Fine, the rest of today, and all of tomorrow. That's only one and three quarter days."   
  
"Chocolate cake for not cutting? I'll call it a deal if you eat a bite of meatloaf too. That's stuff's awful."  
  
"Well, okay. It's a deal."  
  
We started eating again, not talking much. Lori was really struggling with finishing all the food she promised me she would. She made it halfway through her cake, and was just about in tears.   
  
"Ash, I can't do this!" she finally cried to me.   
  
"Relax Lori, and don't cry. You'll get saltwater on your cake. You know, if you don't finish, its not a big deal."  
  
"But I don't want you to cut anymore. I thought if I could do this, I could fix everything."  
  
"Come on Lori, you don't honestly believe that. Besides, its only lunch. You still have dinner to try again. Now come on, we'll go put the trays away. You don't have to eat anymore."  
  
Lori and I got up, and headed over to put our trays away. We headed over to our rooms, with an hour to kill. We had taken forever to eat (well, Lori took forever to eat) and we had to be at Group at four. 


	20. Jerk!

"I'm going to go to the bathroom quick. I'll be back in a second," Lori told me a few minutes after we got into the room.  
  
"Don't even think about it."  
  
"Think about what?" she said, with a guilty look on her face.  
  
"You know exactly what I'm talking about. You weren't going to go to the bathroom to actually go to the bathroom."  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about."  
  
"You were going to throw up. Contrary to popular belief, I'm not completely stupid."  
  
"How did you know? Am I that obvious?"  
  
"Yes. You've been pacing the room, holding your stomach, and looking pale. It was only a matter of time. And I'm telling you that you shouldn't."  
  
"But I have to."  
  
"No you don't."  
  
"Yes I do."  
  
"No, you don't!"  
  
"YES I DO!"  
  
"Fine, then I need to cut."  
  
"YOU'RE SUCH A JERK!"  
  
"Yes, I am."  
  
"I hate you, you know that?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
Lori flopped down on the bed. Inside I did a happy little victory dance. Of course, I wouldn't actually do a happy victory dance in public, but in my mind it was okay.   
  
"You really are a jerk."  
  
"Yeah, but you're not in the bathroom, are you?"  
  
"Jerk."  
  
We sat in silence for a while.   
  
"Are you nervous about Group?" Lori asked.  
  
"No. Okay, yes."  
  
"Don't be."  
  
"Easy for you to say."  
  
"Yeah, okay. You're right. But it's probably not as bad as you're dreading."  
  
Silence ensued for a few minutes.  
  
"We should go," Lori said.  
  
"Yeah," I replied.  
  
We didn't move for another ten minutes.  
  
"We're going to be late," Lori said, getting up. I didn't move. "Come on Ash, you have to get up." She walked over to me, grabbed my arm, and pulled me up. We headed down to Group. 


	21. Group

I sat down next to Lori. If I had to do this, at least I'd hang around near Lori. She'd protect me from these people. Or something. To be honest, I knew they were probably all very nice people, but I was terrified.  
  
"So, we have a new Group member today. Her name is Ashley. Would you like to say anything about yourself?"  
  
"Yes. Yesterday I beat Doctor Steve at his own game."  
  
Laughter broke out for a few seconds.   
  
"So, you're the girl who slept under the stairs all night. I heard about you. I'm impressed," some girl I didn't know said. "By the way, I'm Stacy."  
  
"Wow," I thought to myself. "People know who I am."  
  
But then the girl who started Group began talking again. "Why don't we all introduce ourselves? I'm Becky. I work here as a Group leader."  
  
"I'm Lori," Lori told me, like I didn't know. "I'm here because I'm scared of clowns."  
  
"Lori," Becky warned her.  
  
"Clowns carrying food," Lori clarified.   
  
Everyone went around and introduced themselves, and it was clear they were taking this a lot more seriously than Lori was. They all seemed to want to impress me with why they were there. There were two bulimics, three druggies, two suicidals, and Lori, the only anorexic. I wasn't impressed. Stacy, however, seemed like someone I could get to like. She introduced herself as Stacy, goddess of the universe, and told me she had 'illusions of grandeur'. Becky broke in and told me that Stacy was actually there she had bulimia, but at least I was amused for a moment.   
  
"So, Ashley, why are you here?" Becky asked me. This lady was already starting to bug me, and I couldn't quite put my finger on why.  
  
"You mean besides the fact that my hamster is trying to eat me and I needed a safe place to hide? Because I cut."  
  
"Ooo, can I see?" asked a moron named Jane who was in there for bulimia.   
  
"For a dollar." I told her, mostly joking. Then she handed me a dollar.   
  
"Now can I see?" she asked.  
  
"You took to long to pay me, the rate's gone up another two dollars," I told her.  
  
That's when Becky stopped my freak show charging. "Ash, give her money back."  
  
"Fine, but don't call me Ash. My name's Ashley, and I don't want you calling me by a nickname."  
  
"Fine."  
  
"So, are you going to show me or what?" Jane asked me after I had given her money back.  
  
"No. I wear long sleeves for a reason, and I'm not going to parade my illness around like its some sort of trophy. I'm not proud of it, and I'm certainly not going to show it off to any of you."  
  
"You know, I think maybe you should show us, Ashley," Becky told me. "Er, as part of the healing process and all you know."  
  
I wasn't an idiot. I knew she was just curious. So I told her no.  
  
"I don't think you understand. I'm in charge here. Unless you want me to talk to Doctor Steve about reassigning your room, I suggest you listen to what I say," Becky demanded.  
  
There is nothing I hate more than being commanded to do something. But I know when to pick my battles, and this one definitely wasn't interesting enough to get a good argument going. So I gave in. I rolled up my sleeves on both arms, about up to my elbows. There wasn't anything really interesting above that anyways, and I didn't want them to know that I cut up and down my entire arm.  
  
There was a gasp from quite a few people. I suspected they were a little shocked at the most recent cut. It was just starting to heal, and I ad only just been allowed to keep my band-aid off of it. The only people who weren't shocked were Lori and Stacy. Even Becky's eyes got a little big at the sight of my arm.  
  
"So Ashley, why don't you tell us why you cut?" Becky suggested.  
  
"As fascinating as I am, this is not the Ashley hour. This is Group. I will not answer anymore questions from you that are not directed toward the entire Group."  
  
"Well, it doesn't really matter anyways. Our time is up today. You may go." Becky stood up, and the rest of us followed suit.   
  
"Hey Ashley," Stacy said, catching up to me.  
  
"Call me Ash," I told her.  
  
"But I thought you told Becky you didn't like nicknames."  
  
"No, I just told Becky I didn't want her calling me by a nickname. That's completely different. You, on the other hand, may call me Ash."  
  
"Ok Ash, I just wanted to tell you that it's nice having another decent person in Group."  
  
"Hey Stacy," Lori began, hesitantly.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Would you, uh, would you like to eat with Ash and I today?" Lori asked. I was shocked. Lori didn't even like to eat in front of me, and here she was, inviting Stacy! Not bad. Maybe she was running on a sugar high from that cake, I don't know.  
  
"Sure. Sounds good to me. Want to come up to my room until then? We might have to put up with my roommate though."  
  
"Then why don't you come up to my room," I suggested.  
  
"I take it you don't have an awful roommate," Stacy said.  
  
"Nah, she's awful, but since she's going to be eating with us anyways, it probably doesn't matter," I told Stacy, poking Lori in the arm.  
  
"You two are roommates?? Lucky."  
  
"Yeah well. Are you coming or not?"  
  
"Coming, coming," Stacy laughed, following us. 


	22. Friends?

The days passed into weeks, and the weeks soon turned into months. Three months, to be specific. Ash had been in the hospital for three months, and she still hadn't seen her friends.  
  
brbrbr  
  
"When am I going to see my friends?" I asked Doctor Steve during one of our sessions.   
  
"You bring that up every day, you know that?" he asked, slightly exasperated. "You are so damn persistant."  
  
"Has it worked yet? Have I irritated you so much that you'll let my friends come?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Why can't they…" I paused, thinking about what he just said for a second. Then it hit me. "Yes! Like, yes, you mean it, they can come??" I babbled on and on like an idiot. "Thank you thank you thank you!"  
  
"To tell you the truth, I didn't do anything. You're finally starting to get better, and that's why your friends can come. You put in all the effort." He paused, and smiled. "So what day would you like them to come?"  
  
"Tomorrow," I told him, completely seriously.  
  
"Come on Ash, they can't come tomorrow. Lets see, its Wednesday, so how about you have them here all day Saturday. They can come at 2 o'clock, right after lunch, and stay until 8. We'll even feed them dinner."  
  
"But I want to talk to them now!" I said, laughing. "Now now now now now!"  
  
"I could arrange that. Wanna make a conference call?"  
  
"Are you completely and totally serious?" I asked him, too excited to worry about how dorky I sounded.   
  
"Yes, I am. Here," he said picking up the phone, "What are their numbers, I'll call them up."   
  
I rattled off their numbers, so excited I was surprised I could even remember them. Doctor Steve dialed them, and then handed me the phone. 


	23. Phone calls

"Hello?" Ellie said.   
  
"Ellie?" Marco said, confused.  
  
"Marco? Did you call me?"  
  
"No, I didn't. Did you call me?" he asked.  
  
"No, why would I ask you if you called me?"  
  
"Well, my phone rang," Marco said.  
  
"Well, so did mine," Ellie replied.  
  
"That's because I called you!" I said, laughing.  
  
"Ash?" Ellie asked.  
  
"Is that you Ashley?" Marco asked.  
  
"Yes!" I shrieked.   
  
"Ashley!" Ellie shrieked.  
  
"Well, now I can't hear anymore," Marco complained.  
  
"Shut up Marco," Ellie said. "How are you Ash? Are they treating you okay? Are you doing better? Why haven't you called? Do you miss me?"  
  
"Ahh! Ellie, slow down. I'm doing okay, they're treating me tolerably, I'm getting better, I haven't called because I haven't been allowed to call, and of course I miss you!"  
  
"So, when do you get out of there?" Ellie wanted to know.  
  
"Well, I guess when I'm better. When I'm cured."  
  
"How long will that be?" Ellie asked.  
  
"I don't know. Probably a while."  
  
"But I want to see you!" she whined.  
  
"How about Saturday?" I asked, casually.  
  
"ARE YOU SERIOUS?" Ellie yelled.  
  
"No."  
  
"Awww," she said, really really disappointed.  
  
"Actually, yes I was serious. Want to come here on Saturday?"  
  
"Yes! When?"  
  
"How about two o'clock until 8. Apparently, they'll even make you eat the crap food I get every day. Won't that be fun?" I asked, sarcastically.  
  
"You have no idea how fun I think that sounds. There is nothing in the whole world I would like to do more than eat crappy food with you. That sounds like a wonderful terrific idea." Ellie said.  
  
"Marco, are you still there? Do you want to come too?" I asked.  
  
"Yeah, I'm still here, and yeah, I'd love to come too. So honestly, Ash, how are you really doing?"  
  
"I'm doing better. I'm not cured, and I can't leave for a while yet, and the food sucks. But I really am getting better. That's why I can call you guys, and have you visit."  
  
"I'm so glad to hear that Ash. I was really worried about you. That day, I was…" he started.  
  
I interrupted him. "I don't really want to talk about that. So, I'll see you guys on Saturday, right? Two o'clock sharp? Not a minute late, right? I want to see you as many minutes as possible."  
  
"Yes!" Ellie said.  
  
"Yeah," Marco replied.  
  
"Ok, I have to go, but I'll see you in a few days! Bye."  
  
"Bye."  
  
"Bye."  
  
I hung up.  
  
"Why'd you get off the phone so quickly. You didn't have to." Doctor Steve told me.  
  
"I couldn't handle all that… I don't know. It was a little too much at once. It overwhelmed me."  
  
"That's understandable. What was Marco trying to talk to you about?"  
  
"Just reminiscing."  
  
"About what?"  
  
"The day I got here."  
  
"Ooo, I remember that. I didn't actually meet you, but I dealt with your family and friends. Believe me, that was a trial."  
  
"You know, I really really don't want to talk about this."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Because, its ackward. That wasn't my finest moment."  
  
"No, but it was really important. It was the first day you got yourself help."  
  
"I guess. Anyway, are we about done here?" I asked, trying to make my escape.  
  
"No, we're not about done here. We have fifteen minutes, and I want to know why your so uncomfortable talking about that."  
  
"Damn. You're a jerk, you know that?"  
  
"Of course. So?"  
  
"In my mind, I pick apart my dumbest moments often enough. I really don't want to do it for someone else."  
  
"That's reasonable. But you know you have nothing to be ashamed of, right?"  
  
"Sure I do. I cut. I know the way people look at me when I say that. I know I'm the weird one in Group. Its embarrassing, and I'm not proud of anything that has to do with it. Isn't that the way it should be?"  
  
"No. Ash, I've told you time and time again, that the only reason you started to hurt yourself was because you had no other way of coping. Your problems had become to much for your limited coping skills, and you felt like you had no one else to go to. It makes perfect sense that you'd start hurting yourself."  
  
"I guess. But that doesn't mean I like to talk about it either."  
  
"Ok, ok."  
  
We sat in silence for a few minutes.  
  
"Well Ash, your time is just about up. Why don't you head out and get dinner. Lori is probably waiting for you."  
  
"Ok, see you later." I said, and headed out of his office and down to my room to meet Lori. 


	24. Late Night

I was so excited for dinner, because Lori was actually starting to eat significant parts of her meals. She had been working so hard, and she was finally getting better. I was kind of sad though, because if she got better, she'd go home. It wasn't that I didn't want her to get better, but I didn't want to be alone. Most of the time, however, I swallowed my feelings, and just encouraged Lori.   
  
Recently though, she'd been having a harder time. She'd gained a total of 10 pounds, and she only had five to go before she could go home, but she felt really fat. I did everything I could to encourage her, and we even made deals with each other. Everyday, if she ate a predetermined amount of food, I wouldn't cut that day.   
  
"Ok, Lori. What shall you eat today? I think I'll swap you a cut free day for all of your chicken, and a roll with butter. Oh, and your green beans," I told her.  
  
"That much?" she exclaimed. I don't know why she asked me that. She always asked me that, and I never backed down on what I said. But she always asked me none the less.   
  
"Yes, that much. Now go on, eat!"  
  
Lori started to eat, the same way she did every day: slowly. But that was okay, because I was in no hurry.   
  
By the time an hour and a half had passed, she had only eaten her chicken.  
  
"Ash, I don't think I can eat anymore."  
  
"Don't worry about it. You can try again tomorrow."  
  
"Yeah, I guess you're right."  
  
And that's the way it went. We just never talked about the fact that she hadn't upheld her end of the deal, so I could cut myself. She just assumed I wouldn't. And I almost never did, anymore. But occasionally, very infrequently, I did.   
  
That night, when I crawled into bed, I couldn't fall asleep. The only thing I could think about was Ellie and Marco coming to visit. I was really really happy, don't get me wrong, but I was so terrified. The last time I saw them, I was an emotional mess. How could they look at me and not remember that? It's all I thought about when I looked in the mirror. I just didn't look in the mirror very often.  
  
In fact, I was so nervous, that I pulled out a pen clip I had been saving. It was sharp, and I probably shouldn't have saved it. The temptation it offered was just too great.   
  
As quietly as I could, I rolled up my pajama pant's leg, and started slicing up. Unfortunately, I must have made way too much noise, because Lori woke up.  
  
"Mmm, Ash, what are you doing?" she asked, sleepily.  
  
"Nothing Lori, just go back to bed.  
  
Suddenly, her head perked up a little.  
  
"Ash, you aren't!" she exclaimed.  
  
"No, I'm not."  
  
"Liar, I can see you doing it." She got up out of bed, and walked over to me with a box of tissues in her hand. Carefully, she took away what I was using to cut myself with, and she started to clean me up. It would have been easier for her to get a nurse, but we had an unwritten code. I didn't tell anyone when she didn't eat, and she didn't tell anyone when I cut. We trusted each other to do that.   
  
When she finished, she flushed the tissues down the toilet, and climbed back into bed. This time she tried to be quite so I wouldn't hear her, but I heard anyway; she was crying. 


	25. My fault

I had a hard time falling asleep that night, but somehow I managed to. In fact, for the rest of that week, I found it nearly impossible to fall asleep. Sometimes I comforted myself by cutting, but Lori always caught me. I'm not quite sure how she managed to do it. Nevertheless, I couldn't help but feel really bad that Lori had to be dragged into my problem. It wasn't her fault that I was nuts. I mean honestly, what kind of person begs and begs to have her friends come, but when they finally can, she cuts?  
  
I had no idea the answer to that question, so I figured my best bet was to ask Dr. Steve. The worst he could do was postpone my friend's visit.  
  
"So, Ashley, what's up?" he asked me that afternoon.  
  
"Well, to be honest, I'm really screwed up."  
  
"What'd mean?"  
  
"Promise you won't punish me or anything?"  
  
"You know I can't promise that."  
  
"Well, it was worth a try." I took a deep breath. "I've been cutting again," I admitted reluctantly.   
  
"Ash!" he said. "I didn't even realize. Your arms have been clean; I've been checking every once in a while."  
  
I rolled up my pants legs. "I stopped cutting on my arm."  
  
"Why? Why would you hurt yourself?"  
  
"I don't know!" I said, angry. "That's what I wanted to ask you. I mean, you finally let my friends come visit me, and then I start screwing everything up. Why would I do that? Can you tell me? Because I have no idea."   
  
"I don't buy that for a second. You know why you're hurting yourself."  
  
"But I don't! Sure, I'm really nervous, but that's no reason to hurt myself!"  
  
"Ash, there never is a really great reason to hurt yourself. But you said you were nervous. Nervous about what?"  
  
"Just seeing my friends again. I mean, the last time I saw them…" I trailed off, not wanting to finish that sentence.  
  
"You really don't like talking about that day, do you? What happened that was so terrible?"  
  
"I was so scared. I remember. I thought I'd die if I had to come here. But that wasn't what the worst part was. The entire car ride there, Ellie just kept muttering, 'It's my fault. If I had been a better friend, she'd be fine. It's all my fault.' She really thinks it was her fault. I mean, it isn't at all! It's my fault."  
  
"Did you tell her that?"  
  
"When would I have told her that? I've only talked to her once since then."  
  
"Good point. Maybe that's the reason you're nervous. Why don't you call her tonight? I'll let the nurse know you're permitted an outside phone call in your room today, and she'll let you dial out. You can tell Ellie tonight."  
  
"But what if she…" I didn't finish.  
  
"She won't be mad or upset or anything, at least I really don't think so. Besides, I'll be here until 10 tonight, so stop over if you need to. But only if you've already called her. I mean it! You can't keep hurting yourself Ash. I really thought you were doing better." He shook his head. "I thought you might really be getting better."  
  
"I am!" I insisted, feeling a need to reassure him.   
  
"You're not if you still need to hurt yourself."  
  
"You can't solve all of my problems. You're not failing just because I did once."  
  
"I didn't say I was failing."  
  
"But you were thinking it," I said. I could see the look on his face.  
  
"I never ever give up on anyone." He insisted.  
  
"Ok, but I just wanted to let you know that when I fail, I'll take the blame," I said.  
  
"I'll let you out a little early today. It'll give you a chance to talk to Ellie tonight. Marco too, if you really want to, and feel like you're up to it. Remember, I'll be here anytime until 10."  
  
I thanked him, and headed out of the room like a condemned man heads off to his execution. 


	26. Who's to blame?

I didn't think I'd really be able to do it. I kept dialing almost all the numbers in Ellie's phone number, but I'd always hang up a few numbers short. Finally Lori got irritated with me.  
  
"What are you doing? Either call someone or don't, but you can't keep dialing 5 numbers over and over."  
  
"Jerk. I'm trying," I replied.  
  
"Does this conversation sound familiar?"  
  
"Yeah, I think we had it when you were trying to eat, only reversed. Or something."  
  
"Anyway, my statement still holds. Call or don't, but pick one. Besides, its 8:30, and pretty soon it'll be too late to call anyone."  
  
I picked up the phone again. Dialed, 5 numbers, then six I paused for a while before the seventh, and quickly dialed. It was ringing! I almost hung up again, but Lori gave me a dirty look, and so I stayed on the phone.  
  
"Hello?" Ellie said.  
  
"Hi!" I responded.  
  
"Ash? How are you? You're not calling to tell me that I can't come tomorrow, are you? Because Marco and I are so excited!"  
  
"No, I've got a different reason for calling. But before I explain, I want to tell you that you can still come."  
  
"Ok, so what's up?" she said.  
  
"Um, well, I've been cutting again. Only a little on my legs." I lied through my teeth.   
  
Lori caught me though. "A lot!" she called to Ellie.  
  
"Ash, why?! I thought you were doing better!"  
  
"I am, honest. But that's kind of the reason I'm calling. I think I figured out why I started again."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Well, to be honest, I really don't want to get into that. But I do want to tell you one thing."  
  
"What's that?" she asked, nervously.  
  
"It isn't your fault, it never has been your fault, and it never will be your fault. Everything I did, I did to myself. Sure, I could blame my problems on lots of people, but that wouldn't be fair. Anytime I wanted, I could have asked for help, but I didn't. You did the only thing you could, and it was the right thing to do." I stopped. It was silent for a while.  
  
"My, isn't this awkward?" I said, to the silence.   
  
"How did you know I was blaming myself?" she asked, quietly.  
  
"I heard you in the car."  
  
"You really mean what you said? You don't blame me?"  
  
"Of course not!" I said, vehemently. "Ellie, I have to take responsibility for my own actions. Its no one's fault but my own."  
  
"Thanks Ash."   
  
"Belch, enough of this touching crap. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"  
  
"Yes! And… Marco and I have some surprises for you! Hey, was that your roommate yelling earlier?"  
  
"Yeah, her name is Lori, the big tattletelling jerk."  
  
"She seems cool. Ask her if she wants to join us, if that's okay!"  
  
"Yeah, I will! I bet she'd like to come."  
  
"Ok, I'll see you tomorrow at 2!"  
  
"Bye."  
  
I turned to Lori. "Happy now, tattletale?" I asked.  
  
"Yes. So, you have visitors tomorrow?"  
  
"Yeah, want to come hang with us?"  
  
"Seriously? Yeah! Definitely!"   
  
"Great. Anyway, I'm going to bed so I'm not dead tired in the morning. Goodnight."  
  
"'Night Ash." 


	27. Surprise!

The next day I got up way to early, at about 7. I dragged Lori out of bed, so I'd have some company, and we headed down for breakfast. After eating (in which Lori ate almost nothing, big surprise) I headed back to my room with Lori.   
  
We tried to play some card games, but my mind wasn't really in the game. Lori beat me in five games, easily. Even that didn't bug me.   
  
After that, we kind of sat around for a while. Lori went to see Doctor Steve, but I didn't have an appointment with him that day, so I sat around the room and drove myself crazy.   
  
Finally finally finally it was 2 o'clock. Lori and I headed down to the main desk, where we sat to wait for Ellie and Marco.   
  
At 2:06, they arrived!  
  
Ellie and I shrieked, the way girls are supposed to when they meet. We hugged and shrieked, and then hugged again. Finally, when she stopped mauling me (or hugging, I get confused with Ellie), I gave Marco a hug. Then I introduced both of them to Lori. After they made small talk for a little while, I couldn't hold in what I had wanted to ask anymore.  
  
"What's my surprise?" I asked, practically exploding.   
  
"Oh yeah!" Ellie said. "Can we go back to your room so that I may reveal it in all of its glory?"  
  
"Yeah!" I said, leading the way.  
  
When we made it down to our room, Ellie and Marco were silent.  
  
"Well, it's not a palace, but its pretty nice. And I have a good roommate so…" I trailed off, feeling sort of defensive about their dirty looks at my room.  
  
"No! It's not that!" Ellie said.  
  
"Its just, well, I guess we expected something different. This looks like a college dorm room," Marco said.  
  
"Hey, it's nice," I insisted. I pulled out four chairs, and set them around a table we had. Ellie then pulled out a few wrapped things from inside her bookbag. She even pulled out a few things for Lori, which made me very happy.  
  
I tore into a package right away, and so did Lori. I opened a wonderful delicious looking box of chocolate donuts. Lori opened a box of assorted candies. We went back and forth with that for a while, opening all sorts of food.  
  
"AHHH! Thank you so much!" I exclaimed. "They definitely were not giving me food as good as this! I love you both!"  
  
Lori looked a little overwhelmed.  
  
"And pretty soon Lori, you'll actually WANT to eat all of that!"  
  
"Oh no," Marco moaned.  
  
"What?" I asked.  
  
"Lori, do you have an eating disorder?" he asked.  
  
"Yes," she mumbled.  
  
"I'm so sorry. I didn't even think to ask Ashley. That was so stupid of me."  
  
"Hey, not to worry," Lori said, smiling a little. "Its high time I started eating junk food again." She opened a pack of donuts. She picked one up, and without a second thought, she took a bite. I was so excited, so I picked up a donut.  
  
"To Lori, for eating a really great looking chocolate donut!" I said, pretending to toast her. Everyone else grabbed a donut, and we all toasted her with our desert.   
  
All of a sudden, Doctor Steve appeared in our room with a tray full of food trays. "Special delivery!" he called. "I figured you guys could eat in here today, on account of you having friends."  
  
"Want to join us?" I asked.  
  
"Nah, actually, I mostly came to tell you even more good news you could celebrate."  
  
"What, the cafeteria's food is edible?"  
  
"No!" he laughed. "Way better than that."  
  
"What?" Lori asked.  
  
"The both of you are getting out of here."  
  
"Are you serious?" I asked.  
  
"OH MY GOD! I GET TO LEAVE? WHEN WHEN WHEN?" Lori shouted.  
  
"The both of you are leaving in a week. Lori, I'm so impressed with your weight gain, and I think you'll honestly continue it out of the hospital. And Ash, you don't need to be here to get better anymore. Both of you will have to visit me, oh, twice a week for a nice chat, but you won't have to sleep here anymore. I'm calling your parents tonight, and you'll be out by Friday."  
  
I couldn't contain myself. I jumped up, and hugged Doctor Steve, and then Lori, and then Ellie and Marco.   
  
"I LOVE EVERYONE!" Lori shouted.  
  
"And on that not," Doctor Steve said, smiling, "I leave you to finish your meal. Enjoy."  
  
"Getting out. Can you believe it?" Lori asked.  
  
"Going home," I whispered. It sounded too good to be true. 


	28. Epilogue

Epilogue  
  
That Friday, as Lori and I packed to leave that afternoon, we exchanged e-mails and phone numbers, promising to write first and maybe meet up sometime. Two months later, I received e-mail.  
  
  
  
Ash,  
  
Hey, it's me, Lori. Just thought I'd check in. To be honest, when I got out of the hospital, I wasn't doing so well. Doctor Steve even threatened to send me back. I was too ashamed to write to you. But now, now I really want to write to you. I weigh 110 pounds, a perfectly healthy weight. For the first time in my life, I love what I see in the mirror.   
  
I'm doing much better in school, and I'm even president of my class. Not to shabby for someone who's every thought used to be consumed by calories.   
  
But enough out of me! How are you doing? And most importantly, when can I see you again?  
  
~Lori  
  
I sent her e-mail back.  
  
Lori,  
  
I'm so happy to hear you're doing well. I'm also doing great! Ellie and Marco have been such good friends to me, and they desperately want to know when they'll get to see you again. I told them they'd have to wait until I got to see you!   
  
Since leaving the hospital, I've only cut once. Even better, Paige, the girl I told you about, stopped picking on me. We're even becoming friends again. She apologized for being a bitch to me. I was astounded! It was great!  
  
I'll call you and we'll set up a day to meet.  
  
~Ash  
  
Ash and Lori did meet up, only a few days later. Both were amazed at the change in each other. Lori was beautiful with her added weight, and Ash looked so much happier. Although they both acknowledged they still had problems, everything was looking up. They parted, promising to write frequently.   
  
Only 6 months later, Ash, Ellie, and Marco attended Lori's funeral. Only a few weeks after she saw Ash, Lori stopped seeing Doctor Steve, and stopped eating. Ash was crushed, but for the first time in a long time, she didn't feel like she needed to cut. During the funeral, Ash read something she wrote for Lori.  
  
"You could never be beautiful to yourself, but you were always beautiful to me. You supported me in a way no one else ever could have, and you saved my life. You protected me from myself. You protected me from the thing inside me that almost destroyed me. I only wish I could have done the same for you. I hope, wherever you are, you feel as beautiful as you've always looked to me."   
  
And with tears running down her face, Ash sat down again. Ellie and Marco on each side, holding her hands, reminding her that she'd never have to go through anything alone again. Before leaving, Ash said one final goodbye to the one person who had meant so much to her at her weakest moment.  
  
Lori McCullen  
  
1986-2003  
  
May her beauty be reflected by the stars 


	29. Author's Note

Author's Note  
  
Originally, when all was said and done, I had totally intended to keep everyone alive. But when I finished, it felt too much like a fairy tale. (I mean, come one. Read my ending without the funeral part, and you'll see what I mean!) It was corny and obnoxious.  
  
Eating disorders and self-harm can kill you. Ash was lucky to get out of the cycle before it killed her, but Lori wasn't. And that's realistic. It isn't cool to have an eating disorder or to cut; it's deadly.   
  
And besides, I hate happy endings.  
  
~Ashley   
  
Side note: This story took way to bloody long to write! I already have a new idea for a whole new story! Let me know what you thought of this story, and how it could be improved, so my next story will be better! Thanks a bunch! 


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